Isolators in relationships. They want love too, just don't crowd them.

This post is part 2 on the topic of Isolators and Fusers and focuses on Isolators in relationships.
Click here to read Part 1. Are you a Fuser?

The relationship dynamic of Isolators and Fuser is described in the book Getting the Love You Want by marriage counselor and therapist, Harville Hendricks.

Isolators are

• typically more comfortable in their own company,
• value independence
• can feel agitated and frustrated with their partner if they think they don't have easy access to alone time and space.
• Unconsciously tend to push people, even their most loved ones, away. 

Isolators can feel smothered by intimacy in a way that feels similar to being stuck in a room with no windows. They are afraid of being controlled and overwhelmed. They tend to want to do things on their own and aren't good at keeping in touch throughout the day. They can appear to be disinterested in other people, and this can feel hurtful to their partners.

Isolators often choose to be in a relationship with Fusers, and Fusers decide to be with Isolators. Why is this?

The answer is polarity. There is magnetism in being with someone who exudes a polar opposite way of being, which is very sexy in the beginning. Unfortunately, it doesn't take long before partners start to realize that they have trouble connecting (as is the case for the Fuser), and enjoying independence (for the Isolator).

You can see how a couple can start to become frustrated and resentful in this situation, and the quality of the relationship can suffer.

This dynamic plays out in many relationships, and I want to encourage you. It does not mean the relationship is doomed. The key to working with this dynamic is awareness.

Once you understand the push-pull of your interactions, you can:

• see that your partners' behavior isn't a personal attack on you,
• make an effort to be mindful of your partner's experience of the dynamic 
• be kind to yourself by acknowledging that this can be painful, overwhelming and feel lonely,
• know that leaving this relationship isn't going to solve this problem (you're likely to connect with another person with the same relationship dynamic if you do) and
• create strategies that can help you feel more fulfilled in this relationship.

​I'd love to hear your thoughts. Do you think you're an Isolator or a Fuser? How is this dynamic shaping your relationship?

Most important of all, what can you do to support yourself in your relationship so that you can get your need for autonomy or connection met?